The power of not knowing anything

I met Lukas a couple of weeks ago somewhere in France and we’ve been walking together for a little more than two weeks now. Today he asked me to write something about how I’ve experienced the camino so far. I call it my camino for it is very personal for every pelgrim. My name is Renilde and I started walking two months ago in Vermonton, a little village in France, only 30 kms north of Vezelay.I had left my home in Belgium that day with a feeling of gratitude. This camino was going to be a celebration of everything my life had been uptil now, all things included. Good and bad, or at least what is perceived as good and bad. Once the doors of the train had closed I wrote in my diary: ” Dear ‘…’, I surrender. I have faith that everything is going to be allright.”

What is it that brings someone to leave everything behind and spend three months only walking? It is a question I love to ask other people but find difficult to answer myself. I started the camino with a pretty clear idea about my reasons and the things I was going to think about during my trip, but now I find myself not knowing anything left. The longer I walk the more I feel that the camino itself decides what it is going to teach me. Before I left I asked myself questions like what I wanted to do with my life, what my purpose is, if there is a God and how I could connect to him. I was going to think about my last relationship and the reasons it didn’t work out. I wanted to get to know myself better and conquer my fears. But from just a road I was taking, the camino quickly changed into a road that brought me where I needed to go. During the first weeks I learned to appreciate my body for the strenght it shows in climbing steep hills and mountains. I learned about the power of giving, but also about the power of being vulnerable when asking for help. I learned to set my prejudices aside as the camino showed me the beauty and goodness in every single person I met, but I also learned about my own light I carry inside. Sometimes I was amazed by the things that happened on the camino. Things that didn’t just seem coincidence. I met people who told me the things I really needed to hear at that time, and one time it felt as if this particular woman just had to deliver me a message. I found myself being deeply moved in church during mass and learned to let my defenses go and call it God. Once I dared to stop thinking and start feeling, things changed a lot. How and why I can’t explain however. I’m just enjoying every moment now, for the present is the only thing we have. I choose to believe so I will see, to stop worrying and have faith that life will show me my way. I choose to accept the devine perfection behind every situation. People might call me crazy, but that is ok. Knowing that I have the choice to live my life without fear gives me a lot of strenght and happiness. As Lukas told me: why should you be afraid? You can only fall as deep as in the hands of God.

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